so anyway....

i'm officially 35 years old now. fuck that. i'm more than halfway through my life. there's no fucking way i'll live past 70. if i do, please shoot me.

i just got done watching the comedy central roast of pamela anderson. it was pretty funny. tommy lee, adam corrola, jimmy kimmel, courtney love, andy dick, greg giraldo, and a host of others roasting.
i couldn't help but sit there and think what i could have come up with if they were to have asked me to be a celebrity roaster.

i think it might go like this:

Me: thank you. it's great to be here. it's great to see that courtney love made it out. a talented singer and actress and the reason kurt cobain blew his head off with a shotgun. do us all a favor and start dating bon jovi. seriously though, you were great in that movie "people vs. larry flynt." i especially loved the scene where you drowned in the bathtub. hopefully you'll recreate that scene tonight in your own vomit. no seriously though. i'm just kidding. just drowned. it doesn't have to be in your own vomit. please kill yourself. why did janis joplin, jim morrison, and jimi hendrix die and yet you still live?

seriously though folks,

the real reason we're here is to roast the great pamela anderson. without a doubt the most lusted after woman in the world. i'd love to fuck you myself, but unfortunately i'm not white trash enough and i graduated from high school. i'd need a trailer home just to fuck your gigantic puss. for real though, i'd probably feel very insecure about fucking you seeing how your pussy is more stretched out than....... courtney love's pussy.
i loved your video where tommy lee fucked the shit out of your dumb ass with his big ass horsedick. truly your best work to date. it was so realistic how your disease ridden mouth swallowed every last drop of his cracker seed. i would love for you to suck my dick too, but i am an artist of the likes of which you have never blown.

and tommy lee, you're fucking so fucking stupid i can't believe it. please do us all a favor and kill yourself.

it's nice to see anna nicole smith in the audience. completing the trifecta of no talent drugged out money hungry slutty whores. just kidding. seriously. anna nicole hasn't been feeling well recently. her doctors took a stool sample and found elvis. seriously though, please go back to the waffle house from whence you sprang. just kidding. you look lovely tonight. i would ask you to suck my dick but i'm only 35. i'll give you a call in about 50 years.

and jimmy kimmel is hosting tonight. you know the guy that is on the other channel when conan is on.

and andy dick is here. andy dick is so gay that the guys on queer eye for the straight guy call him faggot.

well that's it for to me tonight.


i gotta go to bed.


talk to you tomorrow.

if you're lucky...

scott