it's that time again, my children...

yes, it is.

gather 'round, gather 'round.


i come to bring good news. god has spoken to me tonight and instructed me to show you the way. he said that you are all fucking morons.

okay, i'm paraphrasing a bit.

i don't remember exactly what he said. i was drunk. and i think we all know how much god loves us drunks.

wait...

he told me to speak to you in tongues...

shamma lamma ding dong wacka wacka doo run run slickity slackity flackity flew hommina hommina hommina doo doo.

i think that is ancient text from the gospel of adam sandler.

i appreciate all the advice on what to do with juanita. however, it all sucks. i thought there might be someone with a decent idea. elizabeth w. at least gave it a shot. i like some of your thoughts, elizabeth. thank you for trying. as for the rest of you...

eat a bag a doo doo.

i caught a little bit of the new "Nashville Star" show last night. fucking bret michaels is one of the judges. are you fucking kidding me? i kept waiting for him to pull out a gun and blow his head off and scream, "what have done with my life?"

i wrote down some of his brilliant critiques to the contestant's kareoke performances...

Bret: Man, i thought you were really cool. you're just cool. you have that cool thing about you and i just thought you were really cool.

Me: (thinking) what a fucking retard.

Bret: I don't know if i can say this...but...you're hot. you are so hot.. you have a good voice and you're hot...

Me: (thinking) yeah, and your a fucking tool and a fucking retard in the fucking tool retard kinda way and shit.

Bret: I too am an artist and i thought you had a good voice and were cool, too. you have that cool artist kinda of thing with a good voice, too.

Me: (thinking) yeah, you're an artist.. who could have come up with "every rose has it's thorn..just like every day has it's dawn.." you're motherfucking shakespeare and shit. fucking thorn and dawn don't even rhyme fuckhead.

leanne rimes should kill herself too. fucking hawking dr. pepper with the anti-christ herself, reba mcintire, and hosting fucking nashville star. it's a good thing you fired your dad, leanne, so you could gain control over your career.

here's my prediction:

in five years, leanne rimes will pose for hustler with two dicks in her face and get busted six months later for sucking dick for cocaine.

la cosa nostradamus and shit.

i've gotta go...

gotta turtlehead peekin',

scott