i thought i'd type this in blue. that's how i'm feeling these days.

blue.

not blue like a colorado sky.

blue like a corpse at the bottom of lake michigan.

you know what i'm saying. sure you do. you understand everything i say. that is why you keep coming back. i have touched you in some way. not like a catholic priest, but like a shock wave. yeah, a fucking shock wave running up and down your spine and shooting out your ass into a fireworks show that would make the beach boys cry.

the beach boys play a lot of fireworks shows. hence, the joke.

it's not funny if i have to explain it.

nothing is.

i get nervous sometimes before shows and people always say the same thing.

"You'll do fine, Scott. You're good at this. Just be yourself."

yeah, just be myself. if i was myself, i wouldn't fucking be here right now and i sure wouldn't be getting up on a stage begging for attention like a goddamn 4 year old kid. i'd be off smoking dope and watching comedy central and the history channel by myself thinking about cool shit like i always do.

i noticed that a small clip of the band was put on the egroup for your viewing pleasure. i hope you all dig it. if you're not a member of the egroup, then you need to join pronto. and for all of you who are members, get off your fucking asses and say something worth a shit and quit waiting for me to do it for you. i can't fucking do everything. i'm tired. tired of it all. the burden is too great and my back is too weak.

30 minutes later.....

i'm switching to purple now.

i remember one time this guy at a gig came up to me and said that he related to me because he saw purple when he got high. i asked the obvious question, "how does that relate you to me?"

"Well, i listened to the "lighthouse keeper" and "Alien Weed" and they both reference purple in them. in lighthouse keeper, you say "on pegasus i was flying free, careless, lost over a purple sea" and on alien weed you said, "he took me down to the river and it was pink and purple and running by slow".

I said, "oh, I see. Security."

in all honesty, i am flattered when questioned about my lyrics. if you are a writer, which i'm sure some of you fancy yourselves, then you want people to delve into your words. that is the reward. with that being said, you cannot allow yourselves to cheese out. every word matters. every syllable, really. do not be satisfied with a song, poem or story until you are sure it cannot be bettered.

is bettered a word?

fuck if i know.

blogs do not count. blogs are like farts. as a matter of fact, from now on i am calling them farts. when you fart, you just fart. you are not trying to create a masterpiece. you just hitch up your leg and let it come out. that is what i am doing here. farting.

since i am giving lessons in writing, solid typing skills are a must. if you cannot type, then enroll in your local junior college or any typing class you can find and learn. it is like riding a bike. you don't forget how. i write probably as many as half of my songs on the typewriter, not to mention my poems, scripts, and farts. i could not do this with inferior typing skills. i can probably type about 60 words a minute. i used to be faster, but sixty will work just fine.

i think i'm going to time myself right now and see what i can do.

i'm not going to use a script, but just type off of the top of my head.

on your mark, get set, go.......

hey are you really going to do this. no. why not. because i said not too. you are a dumb prick. shut the fuck up, scott. no, you shut up faggot. how much time is left. i don't know. you better not look or it will slow you down. so what. i dont really care how fast i'm going. bullshit. you care a lot. a very very very very very lot. you care so much that you will type little bitty words so so so so so very very much. so much that it becomes apparent that you are trying to break a record.

104. my new personal best.

i'm the goddamn fastest typer this side of the mississippi.

okay, i feel better about myself. i'm switching to black and going to bed now.


you can eat crackers in my bed anytime....

scott