well....

look's like i have another admirer. i wanted to thank ryan for sharing his comments with me. they are very inspiring. i especially liked the part about cumguzzling gutterslut. nice touch.
thanks for reading.

i have been thinking a lot lately about my life so far, and something has become quite obvious to me over my 30 some odd years of life, and that is people either seem to really love me or absolutely despise me. there is no in between. i have pondered this reality for the past few days and i can't seem to understand why that is. even in grade school it was that way. what does that mean? is it a good thing or a bad thing? fuck if i know.

let me give you an example that happened to me sunday night. my good friend, susan gibson, called me up and said she was coming in town and that her glaucoma was acting up. i called my doctor and she was cured. she had lunch with andy and he took her to her gig at the white elephant which happens to be about a hundred yards away from longhorn's, which is where we play every sunday night. she told us to come down on our break if we wanted. so we did.
anyway, there's this lady named joni beard who puts on this clubhouse concert series deal and after we told the doorguy we would only be there to see one song of susan's he let us in. well, joni took it upon herself to come up to me and say in a very challenging way, "do you know there's a cover tonight?"

"yes"

"are you gonna pay"

"no"

and then she went out and talked to the doorguy and we decided to leave and not cause a scene and i didn't even get to see one song of susan's. i was fucking so pissed off i couldn't even think straight. susan came to our gig when she was done and watched the end of our set and over a few beers i told her about what happened and she was horrified. i only use the word horrified because that is what she said.

now, i've never done anything to joni beard and yet she hates my guts. she has told friends of mine she hates me and they in turn tell me. i don't know why that is. the only thing i can think of is that i played "cuntry girl" one time at one of mac's shows there and she doesn't seem to care for it. but is that any reason for her to hate me. i don't know. i just know she does.

i'm sure joni will get wind of this blog and i hope she does. i apologize, joni, for whatever it is that makes you hate me so much without even knowing me. but i do not deserve to be treated with that much disrespect. songs i've written have been played many times at your concert series and i believe i deserve a little better treatment than that. it's not enough that you've never included me, now you have to run me out of a show of an artist that we brought there and who asks us to come down. it's fucking bullshit and i'm goddamn sick of someone like you who couldn't write a song if you're life depended on it trying to embarrass me in front of my band. and if i ever come in there again, you better not so much as even look my direction. if i was half the man i used to be, i would have slashed your tires.

anyway, in my never-ending time of thinking about why people hate me so much, i have had time to reflect on my blogging career.

it all started so innocently. just a guy jotting down his thoughts for all to read. self therapy, really. i had almost no readers whatsoever and it didn't bother me in the least and now somehow it has come to this. i'm reacting to some lady who mistreated me at a bar and responding to some fucktard who is obviously in need of some attention. it's ridiculous and i hate myself for it. i get emails from people telling me, "you shouldn't let those fuckers bother you." or "don't recognize the naysayers, it only gives their little lives meaning." or "don't let it bother you..blah blah blah."

well, that is all fine and good and i appeciate the concern, but i'm just not that way. it bothers me. it bothers me that some tool will read my shit every single day and post comments four times a day on my goddamn site and then say that i don't have a life. it bothers me that people will actually challenge me to a fight because of what i type on this fucking thing. it bothers me that friends of mine will continue to run off my readers after i ask them not to. it bothers me that fuckers call me a pedophile. it all bothers me.

i just want to go back to the way it was before. that's all.

i miss the days when i could sit down with my dr. pepper and cigarette dangling and blab away endlessly not caring or concerning myself with how it might sound or how many hits i got or how many comments there were. i miss the days when the words came easy and no proofreading was necessary. i miss the days when i didn't feel like i had to blog, i just did it anyway. i miss the days when it didn't matter if i had anything important to say, i just sat down to see if anything came out or not and then hit post and publish regardless.

i actually delete posts now. that is fucking bullshit and i'm not gonna do it anymore. i have become what i despise. i am going back to being relentless and unmerciful. i am a writer. period. that is what i enjoy doing. i love to hear the keys tapping as my fingers fly over them effortlessly. i love seeing the words form sentences on the screen as i create them. i love coming up with new shit and finding different scenarios and characters from which to write from. i do not expect all of you to enjoy them or even understand them. if you all did, then i'm obviously doing something wrong.

there's always gonna be the ryan's and joni's and i need to come to grips with it. i don't know why i let myself get like this. i wish i was stronger. i wish i was more likable. i wish. i wish. i wish.

fuck wishing.

i remember wishing for a goddamn pony when i was a kid and guess fucking what.

no pony for scott.

i know that this post probably was a little depressing to some of you and i do apologize, but the fact of the matter is....

it's been raining for five straight days like a runny nose that won't go away, and i'm fucking depressed.

i hate what this blogging has become. i hate what writing 150 songs has done for me. i hate it all.

but you know what...

i don't know how to do it any other way. i can only be myself.

and i ain't no quitter.

scott

"sometimes when you get the blues there's a reason"

it only takes 6 or 8 inept political leaders
or 8 or 10 artsy-fartsy writers, composers and painters to
set the natural course of human progress
back
50 years
or more.
which may not seem like much to you
but it's over half your lifetime
during which time you're not going to be able to
hear, see, read or feel that
necessary gift of great art which
otherwise you could have experienced.
which may not seem tragic to you
but sometimes, perhaps, when you're not feeling so
good at
night or in the morning or at
noon,
maybe what you feel that's lacking is
what SHOULD be there for
you
but is not.
and i don't mean a blonde in
sheer pantyhose,
i'm talking about what gnaws at your guts
even when she's
there. -----charles bukowski

thanks buk. i needed that.