another day....
another dollar...

literally.

you know...sometimes i wonder why the fuck i do this shit.

i just sit here typing. typing. pounding away. listening to the clickety clack of the keys as my fingers move. the words appear almost even before i think them. this sentence is being typed by someone else. i swear to god. this isn't even me. it's some kind a ouiga board. or is weegee board. i just have my hands on the typewriter and it is moving on it's own. i think i'm going to ask it some questions now.

am i the coolest guy in the world?

absolutely.

who has the biggest dick in all the land?

you do. oh wise one.

what are the winning lottery numbers for this week?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

now i know i'm full of shit. if the biggest dick in the land wasn't a clue, those numbers definitely are.

i guess i really am thinking this shit as i type it. what? who are you? i'm you. you're a fucking moron. no, you are.

i think i'm gonna speak in tongues now.

ginga ganga monga bonga. slippity slack we'll all jump back and paint it black. that's a fact jack. take your back and pack it in rack and then see a chiroprack named joe and let him fix you up real good. umpa umpa dickity doo.

i think everyone knows that i've talked some shit on people in the past. particularly kenny chesney and toby keith. and for anyone who's seen my show, i may have had a few choice words for pat green. i want to apologize for that right now. he has written some great lines.

one of my favorites, for example is........

"and you can tell me that you love me
and i'll tell you that i love you too.
and i'll kiss your face whenever you want me to."

do you see how he brilliantly rhymed too and to? pure fucking genius. i would have never thought to rhyme those two words together. not to mention that too, is one of the strongest words in the english language. right behind so and very.

let me see if i can come up something with those profound words.

"i love you so very much and i hope you love me so very much too.
cause you are so very beautiful and i hope you think i am so very pretty too."

mark it. count it. score.

i am a genius too. a very very good genius so much that i can't believe it too.

i think it is yet time again for another lesson in songwriting from the professor, himself, me.....

if you want to write a hit texas red dirt alt-county song, the first thing you must realize is that texas is the holy land and nashville sucks. also, beer, taco meat, and sucking the dick of every major texas born songwriter is much appreciated by all. townes van zandt, willie, waylon, robert earl keen, and jerry jeff walker are just a few of the many people that you are allowed to completely bow down and open your throat for. another thing to remember is that you cannot name enough texas landmarks in one song. the alamo is always appreciated and should be mentioned as much as possible along with luckenbach, bandera, and whatever other texas city or landmark you can come up with. use your mind. be creative. i know you can do it.

class dismissed.

i wanted to thank paul for his lecture on evolution and adaptation. it was awe-inspiring. it is apparent you have a complete grasp on everything and i am unworthy of arguing with you. i appreciate you informing me about adaptation. i was completely unaware of such a thing.

i think i got it straight now.

first there was adam. and then god took one of his ribs and made a woman. and then came dinasaurs and cavemen, but they weren't really people. they were just big headed protruding foreheaded type things that arose from nowhere and eventually died off for no apparent reason whatsoever. or maybe they were eaten by dinasaurs which aren't mentioned in the bible at all so they probably didn't exist and were made up by scientists. those fucking crazy ass scientists with there goddamn science shit. fossils schmossils. and then god got pissed and made everyone start speaking different languages shit and slanted the eyes of some of them and made them draw shit instead of having an alphabet cause he's like that and shit. and then he really got pissed and picked out his favorite drunk and told him to make a boat cause he's goddamn pissed and he's gonna kill everyone of these motherfuckers but to make sure and get every species of every animal which totals up to over a million and fit em all on one goddamn boat and somehow fed all those motherfuckers for forty days and then they started having kids and shit and some of them had bigger dicks than the other ones and they moved to africa and got real suntanned cause it was hot as fuck and then it made their hair all frizzy and shit, but then god said this shit ain't right. so he sent his only begotten son. and then he gathered up twelve dudes to follow him around and be his disciples but only four of them were worth a shit and the rest couldn't remember a goddamn thing worth repeating and so don't ever listen or read any of their shit because they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. and then everyone got pissed at god's son because he was talking shit about the government and priests and they said, "hey, we can't have any of this bullshit." so they crucified him and that is why we wear crosses. because jesus wants to be reminded of how we fucking killed his ass. but then there was another glitch in the matrix and some of the white folks said we want to discover some new land. and all the other people said, "you're crazy and shit cause the world is flat, dumbass." but he did it anyway and discovered a new land. but he didn't really discover it because there was some wild ass fucking indians in there already and they didn't take no shit. but they weren't really indians. they were like an eskimo, chinese, asian type offspring that walked across the bering strait when it was all frozen and shit and then they moved to oklahoma and opened up a bunch a bingo parlors. but they didn't believe in jesus so we decided to teach them about him but they didn't buy it, so we fucking slaughtered those dumbasses because that's what jesus would do. which brings us around to today.

when the christian thing to do is bomb a country with all your enron, haliburton defense friends that you appointed into high government positions and kill all the brown people because they're just like them wild ass indian bingo playing motherfuckers and we can't have any of that shit. and besides all them brown fuckers got that oil and shit. and i think it is very obvious that jesus is pro-oil. that shit can make you a fortune. also, i think we all know that god really only loves upper class white men. i've read the bible enough to know that shit. i think it's in genesis somewhere.

and don't even worry about all the new species that have arisen. that is all bullshit. and for christ's sake, don't look in the sky and wonder if there's anything else out there. do you think god really has time to be sending his only begotten son to all these other galaxies and shit? jesus, you guys are stupid.

thank you and this concludes another church of scott's thoughts.

the offering plate is coming around. make sure and give ten percent or god will kill you instantly. i think we all know that.

now, as the choir sings, come down to the front after i make you all feel guilty as fuck for have premarital sex, which we all know paul does not participate in, and for drinking a few beers and watching south park and confess your patheticness to everyone and you will not have to burn eternally.

because that is god's message. believe in me..........or else.

that's it for one day.

i ain't typing gone with the wind and shit,

scott