yeah yeah....

you didn't really think i was gonna quit,....did you? fuck man.

i was just needin' some ego rubbin'. i'm not ashamed to admit that i want to be told how cool i am constantly. i envision a time when i will be king of the world and will have people lined up to entertain me whenever i see fit. just a huge pile of heads lying at my feet from all the so-called "artists" and "entertainers"........ toby keith's melon rollin' around like a head of lettuce and then i kick it down the grocery store aisle of life into a fiery furnace..... a giant totem pole sitting next to me with the heads of kenny chesney, reba mccintire, brooks and dunn, montgomery gentry and the rascal flatts impaled through the mouth on one side, and on the other......britney spears, justin timberlake, keanu reeves, the backstreet boys, and clay aiken heads impaled with the faces ripped off and different colored lights glowing in the hollowed out skulls.

there was this cop episode i saw recently....

it was so funny and true that i couldn't possibly make this up.....

scene:

a young mentally handicapped girl was raped and the cops show up on the scene and are interviewing the girl. she appears to be around 20 years old.

cop: "What happened"

retarded girl: "He peed white on my front butt."


now... before you go judging me. i know it's not politically correct to laugh at a retarded girl being raped, but goddamn. "he peed white on my front butt" is the funniest shit i've ever heard. i've never even heard the phrase "front butt". that is great..... i will be using that term more often. front butt. yeah.

1 hour later......

okay.....what else...

i guess i could ramble on about the "Friends" finale and all that that implies.

first, let me say that i was once a "friends" watcher as i'm sure most of you were at some point in your lives, but i never got to the level of wanting to cut my hair like a "friends" character or to the point where i stereotype all my friends as "friends" characters.

here are my favorite friends in order......

1. Phoebe
2. Joey
3. Chandler
4. Rachel
5. Ross
6. Monica

as far as personality types goes, i see myself as 40 percent Phoebe, 40 percent Chandler, and 20 percent Joey.

i quit watching friends a long time ago, however, and i'm not sure if the characters are still the same. i quit watching about the time they all started fucking each other. i think phoebe is the only one who hasn't fucked anybody yet.

i'm going to my mother's tomorrow for mother's day.

i'm not supposed to mention my family though, so disregard that.

here is your assignment for the comments page...

TOP FIVE MOST INFLUENTIAL MUSICIANS OF ALL-TIME

here's my list

1. Elvis
2. Hank Williams Sr.
3. Bob Dylan
4. The Beatles
5. Buddy Holly

i just invented a board game the other day. i haven't worked out all the details just yet, but it is going to be called "Bull Shit". i'm probably gonna pitch it to milton bradley for a few mill.

here's a game i play with myself when i'm out people watching. maybe you can try it sometime.

all you do is pick out random people and try and figure out what their favorite movie is.

sometimes if i'm in the mood, i'll go ask them.

if they're wearing a cowboy hat, "Tombstone" or "Days of Thunder" is always a good guess. if they have facial piercings, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" or "Natural Born Killers" are perennial favorites.
if they are wearing an old style mesh cap with long bushy hair underneath and a shark tooth necklace,.... bet on "Half-Baked".
If they are a male over the age of 65, you must go with a john wayne movie.
"pulp fiction" is a good guess for all twenty somethings.
"bridget jones diary" is a great guess for all women who are at least 30 lbs. overweight.

those are just a few pointers for you when you start playing. i used to go to the airport before 9-11 just to play this game by myself. i would tell people that i was writing songs, but i really just played this game with myself for hours.

good luck.

i'll try and post a mother's day church service tomorrow.

"when you're down right disgusted and life ain't worth a damn. find a girl with the far away eyes."

- mick jagger

mooch ass grassy ass,

scott