Writing good songs for me is simply picking the right night to stay up late.

I went to a church camp in the 8th grade and everyone there was “saved”.
but what I remember most is seeing a girl naked.

As the talk of drugs came up as usual someone said, “I eat X responsibly”

I don’t call him Doubting Thomas. I call him realistic Thomas.

State of mind is all mental.

It’s hard to tell someone you are doing okay when you can’t sleep or eat or
keep your hands from shaking.

Half of all people act fake and the other half is fake.

I like to be organized for short periods of time.

I wonder if it is a sin not to capitalize God.

I hate it when people tell me I am wrong. Especially when I am.

The problem I have with being around people is that I can’t find anyone
to interest me more than my own thoughts.

I take drugs because I’m bipolar because I take drugs.

Sometimes I have a tendency to drink too much but not near as often as
I should.

It is hard to hide marijuana in your house when you have no furniture.

Some people say the glass is half full and some say it is half empty. I don’t
care as long as I get free refills.

If they had a “stinkiest fart” competition in the Olympics, I would be a
gold medallist.
My clinical depression is acting up again.

They used to tell me I could be anything I wanted. Now they tell me I could
Have been anything I wanted. I guess 30 is the cutoff for career exploration.

I had a dream that Bob Dylan and I rid the world of vampires last night.

My grandmother told me today that she orders me to watch some guy preach
On T.V. this Sunday. His name is Adrian Rogers and he comes on at 9:00 a.m.
I told her I would if I was done puking by then.

I was reading about the colonization of Mars yesterday. These scientists
Were coming up with a way to combat overpopulation. I think it would be
A lot easier just to slaughter all the stupid people. It would be painful though
Because I would lose a good majority of my family and friends.

When I was a kid and we neighborhood kids would play “karate fighting” or
“war” I would always be Elvis.

Sometimes I can’t remember what I used to do before ESPN came out.

I wonder if starving kids really ate the canned beets I brought to school for
The canned food drive.

If you ever feel like nobody likes you then you are probably an asshole.

One of the greatest qualities in a person is the ability to take a joke.

Why do dog food commercials advertise their product on tv like I’m going
To eat it?

I wonder if giraffes are insecure about their necks.

If I was a terrorist I would bomb an arena full of pro wrestling fans.

The older you get the more you like to use the toilet.

I don’t understand why my kids cry when I tell them they have to take a nap.

I think there is something in cowboy hats that sucks out your brains.

The coolest part of the human body is the snot trail.

The cat in tic tac toe has an impressive record.
A casket is the biggest waste of money in the world.

History is my favorite subject, but it has to be a certain kind of history.

Whoever invented the remote control was a true genius.

There should be a place where one can go where they will shoot you in the
Arm with a bullet just to see what it feels like. Or maybe you could choose
The leg. The leg would probably cost more though.

If all guys drove the same car then girls wouldn’t know who to go out with.

I am really glad that I’m not Amish.

I hate people who tattoo their whole body and say “ This is who I am”.

I wonder if anyone in Hitler’s army ever thought “This just doesn’t seem right”

I really love kids for short periods of time.

I don’t think we would have ever thought to take the Lord’s name in vain
If He hadn’t told us not to.

I am not afraid to die, but I’d rather not.

Credit cards are the root of all evil.

Everytime I go to the library or cd or video store, anywhere that I have to
Browse through things on shelves, I get a tremendous urge to take a dump.

If I was a preacher, I would declare polka music as the devil’s music.

I would like to meet the guy who invented the art of pantomime and shoot
Shoot him.

It is hard for me to go to sleep unless I read something or have an orgasm.

I have invented several things only to find out later that they already existed.
That does not, however, take away from the fact that I invented them.

Kids wouldn’t be so afraid of the dark if they had to pay electric bills.

When I sleep until 1 or 2 o’clock in the afternoon and people tell me I’m
Wasting my whole day, I tell them they’re wasting their whole night.

I hate when people tell me I passed out when I thought I just went to sleep.

Sometimes I vomit right after I brush my teeth.
Today I called information and asked to find peace. She told me it was
Under the couch cushions rolled up in a sandwich baggy.

Tomorrow I think I’m going to start a charity organization to end world
Thirst.

If you really want to challenge the Man then you are probably gonna have
To die a horrible death.

I can’t keep a thought in my head for “so anyway”.

My ability to capture thoughts with a keen use of the English language is
Directly related to how long it takes me to find a pen.

A psychiatrist is sort of like the person who says “where did you leave them
Last” when I say I’ve lost my keys.

I saw a show today about a guy who murders people but has no recollection
Of it at all. I wonder if I’ve ever done that and the cops just haven’t caught
Me yet.

People that say I’m not a good listener are not listening to me.

Most people take the easy way out and I’m starting to see the genius of it.

The United States would be a better country as a dictatorship. As long as
I was the dictator.